this morning a friend spotted someone wearing a t-shirt of my alma mater. i knew if my extrovert husband was there or my extrovert best friend was there, they would have broken out into the college cheer, introduced themselves, talked about the school and how they are connected. i’ve seen both of them break into random conversations with strangers… many many times… it’s like they think out loud. as an introvert, i would notice the logo, i would wonder if they are from there, but i would probably never ask. i’m an introvert. i do not think out loud 😛
my mentor has phrased the difference before as “an introvert is more unconscious of their outside whereas an extrovert is more unconscious of their insides.” it is not all or nothing, but each type seems to lean one way or another. for example, when my husband and i go to a restaurant, he is aware of all the other people around and what they are talking about. i am oblivious to the surroundings unless someone is being super obnoxious.
when i hear information, or feel something, i gravitate inwards. it was shocking to hear not everyone does this. i can break it down into mechanical steps, but usually it involves a verbal or non-verbal internal dialogue. then i speak it out loud if i want to tell others about it or i need to know something more. often, in a conversation with extroverts, by the time my internal dialogue is over, they have moved on to another topic.
my extrovert friends respond immediately. there are less quite pauses between their topics and sentences. it’s fascinating for me to watch. in fact silence in a conversation feels uncomfortable to some of them. some responses i’ve heard is that the silence or pauses are seen as rude, reserved or “this person is slow.” i’ve seen a few extroverts get very nervous about people being quiet around them, they start to think people are angry with them or don’t like them. my own negative judgments on extroverts has been “they just keep talking!” or “i need space to think.”
it is like driving on the freeway and judging everyone going slower than you or faster than you. yes we are oddly ego-centric.
it is difficult for each side to understand the other. my best friend and i have talked about how i think she has super powers by how she can just go up and talk to someone. my extrovert friends have commented that my ability to do a silent retreat without going crazy is a superpower (or crazy!). neither of us think we’re very special in these abilities because they come so naturally.
my mentor has said each dimension of the personality types triggers anxiety in the other. having too many plans is anxiety provoking to the P types on Myers Briggs scales whereas not having enough plans can be anxiety provoking to the J types. similarly hanging out in silence is anxiety provoking for the E types and having too much talk is anxiety provoking for the I types. once again, the reality may be the same, but how we respond to it varies based on our individual propensities.
most of us exist somewhere on the continuum. how far someone is on the continuum effects how we relate to them or feel around them. we have a lot to learn from the opposite types. like everything, the balance may be in the yin and yang of this. if we were all Ps, things may not get done, but if we were all Js, there may be no spontaneity. living and relating is a dance between the scales. we even change moment to moment, some days i’m more introverted and some days I’m less introverted.
while sometimes it may be more comfortable to hang out in the presence of those who resonate at a similar frequency, those who are different challenge us and share a unique viewpoint and remind us that the world has many realities. as we spend more time with each other, instead of shutting down or avoiding, we get to learn to pause, we get to learn to speak, our nervous system becomes more and more capable, and the world opens up more because there are fewer situations that freak us out. labels change from “they’re weird or intimidating” to “they’re different” to becoming a more fluid “we are all just being and i kinda enjoy this right now” and “it’s fascinating how we process differently.”
Read Susan Cain’s book Quiet and her Quiet Revolution site for more information on introversion.
© The Paradox of Being. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of written material, ideas, and images without express and written permission from this blog’s author is strictly prohibited. Links to the original content on this blog may be provided.
the paradox of being 