the unbearable and necessary pain of growing

a message is as good as its receiver. it’s fascinating to see how we interpret the same texts, the same holy books, the same gestures and rituals so differently. the theme of solidifying the messages, by either idolizing or demonizing, or dismissing with indifference stops our ability to learn from the message anymore. wisdom and receptivity evolves. the same book read at a different age, the same song heard at a different mood, the same person at a different situation… can all evoke unlimited possibilities. the message doesn’t change, but the reader’s willingness and readiness to allow it to change and evolve and grow does. throughout time we’ve frozen god into moulds that serve us at the time, yet as we grow if our image doesn’t grow, we are held back and stuck at a primitive point. nature pushes us to grow and evolve.

i imagine when we didn’t pretend to know everything around us, if we could be surprised and awed by an ant, enamoured by a flower, mystified by a storm, if we could wonder at the partners, friends and relatives that we have narrowed down to an idea or label, if we could be surprised by our own bodies and minds without always trying to predict control criticize or aggrandize.

that sense of awe and freshness is what fosters creativity evolution and growth. if im willing to take a fresh look at what’s around me and if i dont limit its potential with my limited ideas picked up at an earlier time, i can learn so much more.

we’re very comfortable with kids growing. when growing pains like muscle strains and teething happens, we understand, often with a lot of compassion. yet when we are older we expect ourselves and others to stay the same, so when discomfort arises, when anxiety arises because we are growing, when hearts break because we are growing, when fear is evoked because we don’t know what is happening to us because we yet do not know what it is that is happening, instead of treating it like a child when scared of a tooth falling out, we treat it as pathology. perhaps its because no one is telling us it will be ok, it is normal, it is growing pains.

my mentor says we grow when we are ready and when we have a teacher. the existential angst of not knowing where we stand because we have not yet experienced what we are becoming is so natural, so fully human, yet we need a teacher to remind us it’s ok, keep growing. the readiness perhaps comes nature and nurture driven, like when kids are ready to recognize their own reflections in the mirror, when they understand object permanence, when they realize the moon is not following them, when they realize their parents are human, when we realize we dont know much, when we struggle with the meaning of life… part of growing up and being fully human is perhaps knowing that the archetypes exist and live on and nothing much changes on the outside until we are ready to see it and grow with it.

I wonder what those adult milestones are… when our inner worlds expand a little bit to allow and make room for more of the expansive universe.

one of the best expressions of this existential fear of becoming more than we are was expressed at the Berlin Artparasite facebook page, here’s a screenshot:

 

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starting here and deeper

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spirituality and self-help can be sought as another quick fix, not different from a diet plan or a new face cream that promises total transformation. the Shambhala school of thought, rich in rediscovering the jewels within, continues to reiterate this simple, yet very difficult to practice path of searching within oneself. i heard one of Chogyam Trungpa’s student, David Nichtern, recently give a talk at the Shambhala center of New York. he said it is an emerging of wisdom, not a transplant. it is not about being better but about fully being who you are.

there is so much shame and rejection and revulsion at who we are and where we are right now that we’d do almost anything to avoid being here and being me right now. Pema Chodron described having an aspiration to be fluid like water and rejecting the icy rigid self, yet how is one to get the water if not in that very ice. we can only build with what we have, as we have it, right this moment.

this is disappointing when the chance of external salvation gets taken away, yet also liberating because we  know that we already have what we need, already have what we can get. can i get there if im never here. in a world without jumping and transplants and magic, we have to grit through what we have.

it’s like instead of wondering if we will be rescued from our island, and having hopes and fears about it, we start looking around and building what we can. Trungpa said “hopelessness is getting into the teaching more because you have no choice. hopefulness involves choices of all kind. when you realize there is no hope at all, the way we think about it (being saved), you end up with just yourself”… now you are liberated to work on yourself.

the images above are from The Pocket Chogyam Trungpa- a great Shambhala classic book to carry with doses of wisdom from Trungpa

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being childlike

i was talking to some friends about the 14th Dalai Lama and my friend’s brother commented (i’m paraphrasing): “I’ve heard the Dalai Lama is like a child, he went into training so young, he’s very wise but he has this child-like attitude.” i knew exactly what he was referring to as i’ve seen his eyes and his smile twinkle with curiosity, joy and awe at things.

there is a meditation with six techniques for settling the mind, one of which is: settle the mind like a baby looking at a temple wall. not inspecting or scrutinizing the details of the murals. just observing the rough design without becoming involved… in other words, we consider any external object before us while we are meditating to be merely a play of light and remain focused instead on our object.

but being childish or childlike is also used as an insult, to show immaturity and naivete. i’ve heard adult clients call themselves childish with intense shame, and i’ve heard adults tell children to “stop being childish” and i wonder what it means to be raw, emotional, unworked and why it is an aspirational state as well as a state to overcome. perhaps what we want is a modified child state- awe, curiosity, happiness without the intense vulnerability and propensities to “make mistakes.”

i wonder if we get angry because we want to deny our inner child or because we are so far removed from it that it makes us sad.

recently i saw our two month old niece smiling away and cooing to some bright paintings on the wall. we, the adults, sat around, wondered what she was seeing, what was she looking at, what was she so happy about. it invited us into a state of wonder to see the paintings with different eyes, we were reminded how cool lights and colors are, but as we did it we also tried to rationalize and provide a storyline about why she was happy. meanwhile the baby continued to aah and ooh.

at some point we grow up and the novelty can wear off. but more so it seems that there is social pressure to not be excited anymore. Brene Brown, in an online class on vulnerability, said if she really told certain groups how happy and excited she is about her day, she will get skewered. she said being busy [and unhappy and un-childlike (read serious and bitter)] is a status symbol.

life can be busy and not always what we want it to be. sometimes the maintenance of bitterness, and needing to prove that things suck, and the refusal to accept the possibilities that are present, prevent us from becoming unstuck and free.

could i be childlike and have no shame and fear? could i be childlike despite my shame and fear?

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psychotherapy is… part 1

psychotherapy and acceptance can seem to have paradoxical goals. how can i change if i accept myself, how can i accept myself if i want to change. yet acceptance-based psychotherapies are proliferating. it is important to clarify what psychotherapy is. i will have to define it for myself as schools of thought can vary on this. i see the role of a psychotherapist to be that of a mirror. a clear accurate reflection back of oneself. as the instrument is human, it is easy to interject inaccuracies.

this is why it is so important for therapists to analyze their own biases as they can easily be projected. although it may not be possible to be perfect, the aspiration is to be as accurate as possible.

as we are born and as we grow, we are impacted by many factors. our genetic predispositions, our environment, our learning… the universe affects us as we affect the universe. therefore what we are exposed to shapes what we become and how we perceive ourselves and the world. but sometimes what we learn is not true. sometimes the conclusions we reach are not accurate. a child may believe that she is worthless because she was neglected. a boy who was in a car accident may learn to fear cars. these beliefs can be poignant, and may even seem logical. as meaning-making beings we develop beliefs to simplify our worlds and try to use these beliefs to protect us. however, although one can understand why these beliefs were adopted, they can cause a lot of pain.

people seek psychotherapy when they’re in emotional distress. it is important to ask where the distress emerges from. due to perceptive biases we are often selective of what information we attend to and what we reject. the mode of thinking that produces suffering can cloud our views and create perceptions that cause distress.

truth is important. if i am really worthless i want to know that. however most of the time these conclusions are reached by selective attention. i may focus on being ignored by parents but i may not remember that i am a good student or that my friends like me. i may ignore the little voice that says i’m ok. seeing the world accurately involves taking a step back from the emotional entanglement of the situation.

sometimes we may need a proxy or a mirror to help us see.

Carl Rogers said “the curious paradox of life is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” acceptance should not be a trick to make ourselves change. what this quote highlights is an invitation to see and understand ourselves clearly. to be fully in the presence of who i am, in this moment, fully. while this is difficult and can be frightening, the image we have of what we will uncover is scarier than what we really are. and even if we are shocked to see our true selves, it is uncomfortable but we survive. instead of being afraid of invisible, unknown, lurking threats, we become familiar with who we are.

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i’m good because i do

as we zoom in on things we see more. true constructs reveal deeper symmetry and strength, whereas clusters not connected in those ways appear disconnected and weak. i feel i need to explain myself for picking on “self-worth based on do-ing” as a concept. certainly of all that is amiss in the world it seems like a small one. but in this world of paradoxes all things seem to affect one another. sometimes exponentially.

self-worth based on doing is a fickle friend. it can feel amazing when we’re do-ing and doing things “right.” but to be valuable because one is charming, intelligent, beautiful, productive, etc. is an or-else construct. the because clause adds the element of what if i wasn’t these things. it adds a grasping to keep it that way, often at great costs. the world becomes constructed with a gaping, yet unspoken caveat: if i’m not charming, intelligent, beautiful, productive, silent, outspoken, or any-other-fill-in-the-blank, then maybe i’m worthless. in her book Drama of the Gifted Child, Alice Miller asks the poignant question- “would you still love me if i was angry or dirty or anything but this perfect child?”

when this fear is introduced, being is not good enough anymore, one needs to earn “it” by doing.

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basic is-ness

i started writing this post with the title “basic goodness”… but as words become used, their meanings diffuse and dilute and change. “good” is one of those words. i don’t know what it means anymore. i learned about basic goodness, or what i believe it implies from the teaching of Pema Chodron. she teaches about a fundamental basic goodness that human beings have, in the form of compassion, gentleness, wisdom, inner peace. yet the word good is now tainted with social and cultural expectations and meanings. good is positive. as we learn to discern and refrain from labeling, a basic sense of neutrality, or what Chogyam Trungpa called “is-ness” emerges. Things as they are.

When the concept of the neutral awareness or neutral mind is introduced, it creates a groundwork for change and reminds us that change is possible. Dharmakirti said that “the nature of mind is clear light, defilements are only adventitious.” Geshe Dorjee, a Tibetan Buddhist teacher explained, that the mind is like water and it can be muddied up or enriched, yet the fundamental quality of water remains pure and can be separated back to its pure nature. Many familial, cultural and religious traditions emphasize that human nature is corrupt. Media, advertising and societal competitions also imply that there is something wrong with us. These views can induce shame and blame instead of encouraging growth. If we can start with the idea that each moment is fresh and new, and we can choose, and we are not predisposed to “bad” or “good”… it makes us see possibilities and accept and befriend ourselves to move forward. If I can believe I am not doomed to suffering and can be free, I can clear out the ideas, habits and teachings that cause suffering. On the particle level, every moment is different. Our body is changing and our thoughts are changing constantly. Our brains have neuroplasticity. Acknowledging that learning and seeing in a new way, although difficult, is possible, opens us up to the ability change and abate our suffering.

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